DaiZsoul's Thoughts

2001-10-20T23:37:00.000-07:00

The label on my $3.99 bottle of Gato Blanco Chardonnay:

A medium-bodied wine with fresh aromas and flavours of citrus and tropical fruits. The sharp citric acidity balanced against a light herbaceous background make this an extremely flavoursome easy-drinking wine.

Damn. The vocabulary on the label is worth at least $3.99. And it's not bad wine.

2001-10-17T17:31:00.000-07:00

He woo-ed me with dessert. I wondered what he would cook up... hot fudge sundaes? Twinkies? A bag of M&Ms to share? Nope, I was served several kinds of sliced fruit, chocolates (my favorite) and rasberry sorbet (my favorite). And I remember barely eating any of it because I was having the most interesting, thought-provoking, funny conversation with the most wonderful person I know! Today, Kaya and I have been together one year. It has been incredible and just keeps getting more incredible.

I love you, Kaya! Thanks for being in my life!

2001-10-11T22:06:00.000-07:00

This morning I picked up a Reader and began glancing through it as I rode the elevator up to the office. I saw an article entitled "Messages from the Sky: September 11, 2001". The article was written of excerpts from calls victims had made to their loved ones. Here is one:
(Each passage is prefaced with the same phrase): From the towers, from the planes, Love, and again Love. Brian Sweeney from Flight 175 that shattered the South Tower: "Hey Jules, it's Brian, I'm on a plane and it's hijacked and it doesn't look good. I just wanted you to know I love you and I hope to see you again. If I don't, please have fun in life and live your life the best you can. Know that I love you and no matter what, I'll see you again."

All of the excerpts are equally heart wrenching. I sat at my desk, tears in my eyes, and decided I will clip this article. I'll save it to remind myself how precious life is. How precious our relationships are. How precious each day and each moment are.

I email with my Mom almost everyday. I sent her a reply to one she had sent me earlier in the week. I didn't mention the article, but I wrote "I love you, Mom" and felt it in my heart. Human nature allows us to eventually heal from pain and suffering... to bad it also allows us to forget what's important.

2001-10-10T08:39:00.000-07:00

My new hobby... cake decorating! It's becoming an obsession... I can't wait for the next birthday! Good thing Shonda's is coming up... hmmmm... what will the cake be?

Here's Bennett's... and avid basketball player and sports fanatic. (The basketball is made entirely of cake!)

2001-10-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I woke up yesterday feeling really weird... like after you've had a restless night and can't remember your dreams exactly... you just know they were weird. I read the newspaper and that only made me feel worse.

But the day got much better.

It was gloomy outside, so after a jaunt to the thrift stores, Kaya, Deron and I made some drinks and began enjoying the day. We talked for a bit about the state of the world right now and I began to fall back into my funk. Then Deron said "you know, right now, in this moment, we're here, enjoying each other's company and in our small way spreading the love". (That's not an exact quote, but very close.) Kaya went on to say that we need to make t-shirts that read "Don't confuse my lack of worry for lack of concern".

We went on to drum for a bit... it felt good to pound on that thing. Then we played the squiggle game... a favorite among our group of creative friends. Later, Shonda joined us, making the circle complete. We made pizza for dinner, laughed over some photos and talked and laughed some more. It was exactly what I needed.

Right there, in our little world, we did what we could to spread some good energy. Thank god for my friends, my family, my life. Worrying will do no good.

2001-09-24T18:06:00.000-07:00

I was compelled to write today after so much has happened in the world. Events of the last couple weeks will not be forgotten. I watched in horror and disbelief as this drama unfolded. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm scared. I'm so so so sorry for all of those people... families, friends and acquaintances who have been torn apart.

I know what I need to do. I need to live my life. I need to live it well. For me that means connecting with people - not just friends, but strangers too. Saying "hi", smiling, letting someone in on the freeway, lifting the "vibration" of our world's energy. For me living well means not taking things for granted. Calling my Mom, enjoying the sunshine, taking a deep breath, tasting my food. For me living well means adventure. Trying new things, stepping out of my comfort zone, taking a chance.

And I don't mean to sound like this tragedy has hit me as "you never know when your time is up". It's hit me as "It's my responsibility to live a good life". If I'm a good person I do my part to make the world better.

BE NICE TO PEOPLE! Try, try, try to understand one another! Beliefs are dangerous. Beliefs narrow our thinking. While beliefs give us something to hold on to and help us make some sense of our existence in this universe, beliefs also divide us. We're all human. We're all after the same goal... to figure out why we're here. I pray that compassion and understanding comes from the grief and sadness and anger we all are feeling.

I've seen some amazing things the last couple weeks - strangers saying "hello", people holding doors for one another. My friend told me New Yorkers are walking with their heads up, greeting each other. A spirit of unity.

If we are to avoid these acts from ever happening again, we have to spread that unity across our borders...

Live well!

2001-07-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

I had a really nice talk yesterday with a friend of mine who has just driven across the country from California to Vermont. She made the trek with her Mom. They stopped along the way to visit some towns where relatives once lived to look into some family history. My friend planned to document the trip, focusing on her ancestory. By the time she arrived in Vermont, her documentary had taken a turn... it's really about her Mom and their relationship. So we got into a discussion about expectations and he unexpected and knowing what to see when you're not looking for it.

2001-07-23T08:42:00.000-07:00

YEAH! I tackled the sewing machine last night! After a couple hours of trial and error and tapping waaayyyy into my memory bank watching my mom sew, somehow I got the hang of it. I wouldn't call myself a seamstress yet, but I did make a drawstring pouch AND a drawstring skirt. So pretty much the extent of my sewing ability is sewing close to a straight line... no buttonholes or zippers yet. But it was FUN! So fun, I had sewing dreams last night.

I was truly amazed how much I remembered from watching my mom sew. It took me about an hour to get the thing threaded, and each time I got something right I thought "yeah, I remembered this now, all right, it's all coming back." My mom used to sew a lot of my clothes. When I was really little she would make us matching outfits, especially for holidays like Easter. I was her "mini me". I loved it. And the fuller she could make my dresses, the better, so I could spin around and watch it ripple out next to me. As I got older, I tried swaying her from the sewing machine into The Limited... I needed the label and the EXACT same shirt as my best friend.

Next up: drawstring pants!

2001-07-13T16:06:00.000-07:00

We were just walking around, down a path and we came to a building... it looked like a greenhouse. So we decided to check it out. We had to walk through a couple chain linked drapes to enter. Immediately the place felt magical. It was humid, the sound of trickling water and zillions of plants and flowers. Then we saw the butterflies. They floated by, sometimes hovering next to us, waiting to be noticed. There were amazing blue butterflies, but when they came to rest on a tree, they hid their brilliance by closing their wings tight and blending seamlessly into the bark. There were orange and zebra-striped and yellow and white butterflies... everywhere! It was truly magical. I felt like we had walked into another world.

Kaya and I visited the butterfly garden at the Wild Animal Park a couple months ago. We were just talking about it last night and I remembered that's a story I wanted to share.

2001-07-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

I have very little time to learn how to sew. I made a jaunt to an excellent swap meet last weekend with a group of friends. There were piles and piles of gorgeous fabric... translucent stuff, flowery stuff, stripes, glitter, sequens... it was like a candy store and truly inspiring to the aspiring seamstress. The mission: colorful, groovy, creative costumes for Burning Man. When I returned home with my bags of goodies, Kaya asks "Do you know how to sew?"

"Nope." But my Mom always sewed when I was younger... maybe it's hereditary?

Point of this story: I'm excited to start creating again.

2001-07-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

I went to dinner with some girlfriend's last night to celebrate an engagement. My friend went through all the details with us. What a stressful event for a man. Waiting for that perfect moment, hoping that all goes well, that it's an epic event, something you'll both remember forever... ugh. Happily, everything did go well and from the sounds of it, very memorable.

2001-07-10T08:48:00.000-07:00

Kaya and I have been meeting a lot of the neighbors lately. It's kind of nice to feel more a part of the block. Most of the people are married with one or two kids... there are a lot of kids in the neighborhood... all very cute and sweet. I've attracted a lot of attention spinning poi in the yard. It's amazing how much kids love those things! We spent a couple hours on a Sunday giving poi spinning lessons and chatting with various neighbors. This built up the rapport such that the next day I was invited to see Shannon's (she's five) tree house... what a treat! This thing is AMAZING! It's the dream tree house! It's nestled into a corner of her backyard... a tree grows right through the center of it. It's spacious, has a little wooden table and chairs, a mandatory kitchen set and, the best part, an easel in the corner with a giant pad of paper and a huge bucket of crayons! Oh, and it has a pulley with a little bucket chair on the end. When her friends come by, they sit in the seat and can be hoisted into the tree house. Her bunny, Sara, has a very sweet pad of her own in the shade of the tree. Shannon feeds her Jacaranda flowers.

Ah, I bet Shannon's going to have some good memories of that tree house.

2001-06-28T08:31:00.000-07:00

Last night at my yoga class I found out a little more about all the crazy planet things that have been happening. We have been experiencing Mercury Retrograde, which occurs about 3 times a year for 3 weeks. From Earth, Mercury appears to stop, then change direction. All planets go through retrograde, but supposedly, during the Mercury Retrograde, our ability to communicate is affected. This period is a good time for introspection and tying up loose ends.

Interesting. Not sure I'll start planning my life around retrogrades, but it's fascinating stuff.

And let's hear it for the Internet... I had zero doubt that I would find out more about this by typing "Mercury Retrograde" into a search engine - now that's amazing!

2001-06-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm finally going to do it. I'm getting lasik surgery. I've worn contacts since the 4th grade - hard contacts. Yes, tiny pieces of glass that I stuck straight into my eyes. It was torture. I started off wearing them for 2 hours, then 4 and so on. My eyes would gush tears, begging me to get those shards out of them. My eye doctor wouldn't hear of soft contacts, but years later there came gas permeable lenses - ahhhh, my eyes could breathe. Now I have at least six weeks of wearing glasses and no peripheral vision.

I can't imagine opening my eyes and instantly being able to see.

How do you describe the color red to someone who has never been able to see?

Wow. Thank god I can see at all.

2001-06-26T09:09:00.000-07:00

It is officially summer - last night I ate potato salad. And it was some good stuff. It was a gorgeous evening, perfect temperature, we BBQed some chicken and ate that awesome potato salad, homemade by Kaya's mom. Sometimes you just have to stop and be thankful for the finer things in life.

2001-06-25T08:46:00.000-07:00

I went camping this weekend to celebrate solstice with Kaya and a bunch of other groovy, creative folks. We were in the desert and our camp was surrounded by tiny mountains - really hills, but they are pointed like mountains. We climbed around and up and over them. There were ZILLIONS of stars and no moon which made them brighter than any stars I've ever seen. And the most amazing thing - they twinkled - A LOT! Yes, I know that's what stars do, but these looked as though they were being turned on and off. Incredible.

I was in my yoga class last week and the instructor asked what we were all doing to celebrate solstice. One woman said "staying inside with my doors locked". Apparently there was much more going on in the unverse than normal this solstice. Planets were being rearranged/changing orbit/realigning - something like that, it was a new moon - which supposedly makes things a bit more wacky, and some other solar system craziness. I've just demostrated my limited knowledge on astrology, but I do think there is something to it, that we are connected in some way to the grand scheme of things. I'm glad I didn't shut myself up with a year's supply of food provisions. It was nice to get out and be under the stars and feel part of it all.

2001-06-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

I got back last weekend from a week vacation with my family. We all met in the Outer Banks, North Carolina. It's a very cool spot and I've found not that many people really know about it. It's a very thin strip of land off the coast North carolina... less than a mile wide at some points... ocean on one side, and a sound on the other side. There are sand dunes that hide the water from you as you drive down the 2-lane road. There are HUGE houses built up on stilts with multiple decks for viewing the sunrise over the ocean and sunset over the sound.

It's a great place for a family get together. Very chill. We got up in the morning, ate a little something, went to the beach. When it started to get hot in the afternoon, we'd head back for a little lunch and some sort of alcoholic beverage. Back to the beach for a little smash ball and a swim, then we pull out the kites. It is soooo fun to fly kites... I highly recommend it. You fall into a trance steering the kite as the wind shifts. And it's a good work out if there's a pretty strong breeze.

Every night was a culinary event. We took turns cooking dinner and, of course, when it's your night, you want to shine. Each meal revolved around some variety of fresh fish and seafood. I need to lay low on the shrimp and clams for awhile. After dinner we'd take a walk to the beach and, without city lights, the stars shined by the zillions. I was able to find the constellation Draco that weaves in between the Big and Little Dippers.

2001-06-03T22:40:00.000-07:00

Today my parents had a 90th birthday party for my Grandma. Lots of people came to celebrate with her... many relatives that she hasn't seen for a long time. She must have felt like a queen. 90 years is a lot of life and for her I think most of it has been happy. I love listening to her tell stories, and better yet, watching her tell them. She has a select few that she likes to tell again and again and each time she tells them, her eyes light up and she laughs... a very jolly, hearty laugh.

Happy Birthday Grandma! Thanks for your love all these years!

2001-05-29T22:59:00.000-07:00

Everybody wave... say hello to Alexandria Willow...

She came into the world yesterday with the help of Bennett and Cinzia. They are all healthy and happy! And she's just taller than 2 of Bennett's hands. Welcome to the world Alex, thanks for joining us!

2001-05-28T21:36:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of Kaya being in Australia, I started to read Mutant Message Down Under by Marlo Morgan. It's an amazing book filled with good lessons. It's about a woman, the author, who is taken on a walk-about with a tribe of Aboriginals called "Real People". Each day she is becoming more involved with their way of life and becoming closer to being.

"Much later I would understand that the releasing of attachment to objects and certain beliefs was already indelibly written as a very necessary step in my human progress toward being".

"Her name was Spirit Woman. I didn't understand to what she was spiritually related, but after we became good friends, I decided it was to me".

"Without any food to eat at breakfast or lunch, I learned to nourish myself on the view. I watched lizard races, insects grooming themselves, and found hidden pictures in stone and sky".

"This circle of souls in the daisy pattern, with tiny fires between each group of two bodies, must have been a wonderful sight if it were observed from the cosmos above".

(Millions of bush flies would appear out of nowhere from time to time and swarm all over their bodies. They would climb in their ears and up their noses.) "Humans cannot exist if everything that is unpleasant is eliminated instead of understood". (The flies would clean them so they could hear, smell and breath easier. Their skin would stay smotth and soft in the desert heat.)

Those passages have really got me thinking. It's a lot of work on the road to being.

2001-05-27T23:22:00.000-07:00

Pinata's teach a really bad lesson... bang the crap out of the cute, colorful donkey or rabbit or some other animal and get lots of candy once you bust it open... all riiiggght! Let me at it...

Unless that pinata happens to be Barney, I think it's all wrong.

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2001-05-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

...happy birthday dear Kaya, happy birthday to yuooooo!

(Good thing I can't attach a sound file to my blog...)

Here are a thousand birthday wishes of happiness, love, adventure, pleasure, freedom, strength, wisdom, friendship, growth, peace and whatever else your heart desires...

I love you!

2001-05-07T20:15:00.000-07:00

I'm constantly amazed at what a gorgeous city I live in! Yesterday Kaya and I went for a long hike at Torrey Pines State Reserve. It is breathtaking. The ocean view from the bluffs is incredible; wild flowers everywhere, paths that wind down to the beach and tide pools, and the whole scene scattered with torrey pines. We had a great time!

It was Ollie's birthday yesterday...
Happy Birthday Ollie!

I'm going to Burning Man this year. I have to admit I'm a little nervous, but in a good way. I have heard nothing but absolutely amazing things about it, and how the experience is life-changing. That's intense. I will be going with some of the most creative, inspiring people I have ever met. We have already started planning many projects and I'm excited to get started. I'm thinking of ways I will be able to contribute my own creativity... it's an exciting challenge. How can I contribute? I couldn't be surrounded by a more supportive group when it comes to stretching myself creatively. I'm excited for the experience!

2001-04-30T21:49:00.000-07:00

I went to the dentist earlier this week. It was zero fun. Maybe I didn't psyche myself up enough, but it was a difficult experience. I think I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. In fact, the dentist can shoot Novocane into my gums all day long. I can take that sharp, immediate pain. It's the drilling very close to the nerve... each time I can feel the pressure getting a little closer, closer... ooo! Did that hurt? I'm not sure. OK, that's starting to hurt. I was lying on the chair stiff as a board, watching wide-eyed as stuff shot out of my mouth - what is that stuff? Tooth particles? I was so tense, just waiting for him to hit my nerve. I almost had to tell him to stop so I could regain my sanity. Then I started taking deep breaths and forcing myself to relax. Somehow I made it through, then had to go back to work drooling and numb-mouthed for the next two hours. When I smiled the right side of my mouth just stayed where it was and I couldn't say words that begin with "p" or "b". I've flossed every night since.

Speaking of pain... yesterday morning I got up to go for a run before work. It was a gorgeous morning and I had just gotten into my groove when I hear a woman shout "Zoe, get back here". It startled me a bit and I turned my head quick to see a woman calling for her dog. The dog ran back to her and I got back into my groove. Then I hear those little clicking steps of a dog running on the pavement behind me. Suddenly that dog was chasing me and the woman's yelling "Zoe, get back here! Get back here!" I kept running, but turned around toward the owner so I could lead the dog back to her. I wasn't frightened at all until she started jumping up and nipping at my arm. Then visions of being bitten in the face flashed in my head... I got more and more nervous, then more nervous because I thought "Don't be nervous, the dog can sense your weakness." "But he's going to bite my face off." "He knows your afraid, be cool." "But he's going to rip my face off." I get the dog back to the owner and she grabs her by the collar. She said "Oh, she's just trying to lick you, she wants to lick you." All I see in that dog's mouth are teeth... how is he trying to lick me?

The dog was put back on her leash and I spent the rest of my run trying to calm myself down. I'm looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend.

2001-04-28T01:07:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a friend of mine tonight - Leah. I just love her. I used to work with her and now, I don't see her too often, but when I do, I always feel good, like I've had a good interaction. She told me she and her boyfriend will be going on a trip around the world next year. They've already started planning. Apparently you can get an airline ticket with 15 stops for $3200. That's reasonable. You can go anywhere, anytime. You don't have to fly in one direction or have any real plans. Her boyfriend's Mom told them they both have to go with a purpose. Leah explained that her boyfriend's Mom collected textiles when she travelled around the world... when she was EIGHTEEN! Beside the fact that she was 18, she loves having those swatches now... each have a memory behind them. So Leah decided that she will collect recipes!! I love it! I absolutely LOVE it! I can't think of a better thing to collect. Food in other countries means so much more than it does here. It's ceremony. It's tradition. It's family. Hmmm... but maybe food does mean a lot here. It's symbolic of the culture, no matter where you are. I guess if I were visiting here from another country, in the cities I would see fast food, well-known chains... I'd know them from the American movies I'd seen. Maybe it would be novel to eat in a McDonald's. Or an In-and-Out in SoCal. Then to be off-the-beaten-path in the mid-west and eat at some diner in the middle of nowhere. That's America. I take it back. Our food does mean something... whether I like it or not.

Anyway. I love Leah's idea. She will collect recipes and photos and stories of the people she meets along the way. How exciting!

And you want to know what a BIG freakin' world it is... they will be traveling for a year and won't even touch Australia and barely Africa... that's a whole lot of world to miss and yet that's a long time to be traveling... what fun!

I told Leah to try to read "Long Ago in France" by MFK Fisher before she goes. MFK Fisher is (was?) a food critic for the New York Times. Her memoirs tell of her travels and many of her experiences are related to meals that she ate and the conversation she had during those meals. I want to read it again... it's scrumptuous.

2001-04-27T08:40:00.000-07:00

So I got sucked into the last couple episodes of Survivor. I have to admit it's pretty intriguing trying to figure out all of their strategies. You have to be friends with everyone, but don't be too nice or you're a kiss-ass. You have to show some leadership skills, but be careful not to be too cocky. You have to watch every word you say so as not to give away your plans for victory. It really is interesting.

What I don't buy is that these people are suffering from hunger and homesickness way deep in the Outback. When their rice washed away a couple episodes ago, I couldn't feel any pain for them. I feel like I'm being tricked into thinking they're in a desperate situation. They're playing for a million dollars and there's a camera crew around them 24/7. They can pack up and go at any point. Kudos to the editors who splice up their interviews and immunity challenges into the incredible backdrop of the rugged Outback and make us believe these are real people. The "survivors" are brushing their teeth (Elisabeth's and Colby's teeth are blinding). They're getting cleaned up along the way. A nation of TV addicts would not want to see gnarly, beat-up, starving people playing Concentration with jaw bones and giant seeds. At least with "Friends" I know I'm being tricked.

My co-workers are filtering into the office... "Who got voted off, I missed it??"

I'll be tuning in next week for the two-hour finale... I admit it, I'm hooked.

2001-04-19T09:03:00.000-07:00

I got a new car yesterday... a cute little green Jetta. I'm not much of a car person... I don't really identify with them, but this is a fun little car. And I'm thrilled to be ridding myself of the gas guzzling SUV I owned previously. Ahhh to be closer to the ground...

And, I have a good friend coming into town today. I haven't seen Stephanie for years - I think at least 4 or 5. I knew her when I lived in London. We both lived in a YWCA in central London with about 25 other women. It was truly one of the best years of my life. We had some very good times and wonderful learning experiences. Steph, who is from Brisbane, Australia, is now living on Cincinnati, Ohio... I grew up in Ohio. It will be great to see her and catch up... but I have to admit, I'm a little nervous. People change a lot in that many years. But I can't wait for her to meet Kaya... she will be the first long-time friend of mine that he will meet. And I'm looking forward to showing her beautiful San Diego!

AND, just a couple days ago, Kaya and I celebrated six months of being together! These past months have been some of the happiest, blissful months of my life. When we got home from work on Tuesday, he had a surpise for me. It started with a little note... a clue... and it took me on a little treasure hunt... around the house, to the pretty little park across the street and around our yard. My treasure was a note that said "I love you!" And what a treasure it is to be loved by Kaya!

2001-03-16T08:47:00.000-08:00

I went to a Nia class the other night. It was interesting. All I knew of it was a poster that I'd seen at my gym (24Hour Fitness - the at-some-times-insanely-overcrowded-budget-gym). I knew it would have some dance involved and possibly some aspects of yoga. The class was at 7:30pm - an insanely overcrowded time at the gym, and there are windows all the way around the group workout area... so all the other people in the gym can watch the classes while doing their cardio workouts.

The instructor was a groovy woman with good energy. She wore bell-bottom workout pants and a fire engine red scarf around her waste. She had a good voice - soothing, but really energetic. We started off by moving our arms around as we wished, with our feet planted on the ground. This is when I realized there would be lots of improvisation involved. This is when I also started to become more aware of the rest of the gym watching the eight of us in the fishbowl. I've taken some dance classes before, so I felt semi-comfortable moving around like that, but it took me awhile to tune out the eyeballs.

Then I decided I needed to let go and really try to experience this. We followed the intructor's lead at some points, then she would tell us to make our own movements... to move how our own bodies wanted to move... to feel the space around us and how our feet felt on the floor. She never used words like floor or ceiling... it was "earth" and "rainbow" and "grass". So as we were doing all the movements she suggested, I had visuals to match. This is what extended the experience past a workout - and it was a very good workout... my muscles are aching almost 48 hours after. She used awesome music - no stale top 40 aerobic music - it was drums and flutes and Spanish and Irish... all really energetic. At one point we followed her in a tribute to Riverdance. We took turns dancing with the instructor's red scarf. We held hands and danced in a circle. We yelled out "HUH"s and "YES"s. We did karate kicks.

Will I go back again? Yeah, I think so. I think I could let go even more. There were definitely a few fanatics in the class... one woman was so thrilled I was trying Nia for the first time, she broke out in a couple pirouettes and exclaimed "You'll love it!" Really, it was a great experience and it's good to put myself in the fishbowl now and then.

2001-03-08T22:18:00.000-08:00

mmm... someone at the office bought these flowers today. I jumped out of my chair when I saw them and grabbed a camera. I felt the need to share them.

2001-03-06T21:14:00.000-08:00

I've decided I want to be a health food marketer when I grow up. Everything is in the name - a clear description of the product, slogan, tagline and call to action. Take the product Say Yes to Beans. There you have it... eat beans freely because this product will relieve you of flatulents. No reading beyond the product's name necessary. And then there's Soy Um chocolate soy milk... is there any question it's soy-ummy?

Ugh... time for me to go nurse my head cold...

2001-02-27T22:30:00.000-08:00

What's that I smell... oh, it's my musty blogger. At least I can keep plants alive.

Well, I had a fantastic experience I've been wanting to document - the blessing of our (our being me and Kaya) house.

We hosted brunch for Kaya's parents, Halcyon and Miss M a couple Sundays ago. We were excited to have people over after a week of unpacking and arranging and hanging and dusting and mopping. The house was slowly turning into a home and our little brunch sealed the deal. We started with some great food - Kaya's Smoothies, eggs scrambled with fresh veggies, lox and bagels with cream cheese and spinach... so yummy.

Then we cleared the table and Kaya's Mom prepared for the ceremony. We positioned the table so that each corner faced East, West, North and South. We placed a bowl of water at the West, a fan at the East, a bowl of soil at the North and a candle at the South... at least I think that's how they were positioned... the main idea being that each symbolized Water, Air, Earth and Fire. Each element had a small blessing that was read aloud. Kaya and I walked from room to room sprinkling water in every corner, crevice, closet to cleanse the house of any negative energy. We came back to the table and each person made a wish, either silently or to the group. Then (my favorite part of the ceremony) we all grabbed hands, sitting in our circle around the table, closed our eyes and listened carefully to Kaya's Mom's instructions. We each visualized the house from the outside being enveloped by light, then the light seeped into every room, filling every corner, crevice and closet. I still have that wonderful picture in my head. It was really powerful to have all of us visualizing the same thing, in our own way... I could feel the house filling with energy and warmth. To finish the blessing, Kaya and I walked from room to room smudging our home with sage.

We went out to do some things that afternoon. When we came back we both agreed that our home felt good... and it feels better every day.

2001-02-19T22:33:00.000-08:00

Wipe the cobwebs from my blogger...

Sadly I had to spend Valentine's Night driving 3 and a half hours to Palmdale, CA (don't be fooled by the fancy looking web site - it's an awful place). I was there for the shooting of the upcoming CollegeClub.com TV commercials. The director chose Palmdale as the location because of its rows upon rows of cookie cutter track homes, most of which stand empty, waiting to be bought. I won't get into the details of the spots, but the location fit.

The experience was incredible. It's amazing what goes into the filming of a TV spot... even the low-budget ones like ours. There were at least 25 people on the crew, each with a very specific job. They worked like a well-oiled machine which was amazing to me because most of the people there are freelance whatevers and may never have worked with each other before. My favorite job title there was a PA (production assistant) - basically a gopher for whatever needs to get done... for example, one of the producers, of which there are several, needed a tire replaced... just let a PA take care of that. Oh, and of course I liked the Assistant Director's job too... he got to yell "action". Yeah, there were slates with the take numbers and everything... very exciting.

I learned lots of production lingo too:
wild lines - after the shoot was finished the actors each had to say most of their lines again, over and over, just into a microphone (one of the big, furry ones). If the editor doesn't like how the lines were said with the acting, they can edit in different words and make their lips synch up perfectly. Sometimes they even say the lines differently and somehow, through the magic of digital editing, can make it all look natural.
Video Village - this is the monitor that the agency and the clients (me in this case) huddle around to watch the filming. Unfortunately, the Video Village for the last 6 hours of the day was in an empty house located in the high desert complete with cement floor and no heat... I don't think I have ever been that cold for that length of time.
softer - the direction given to the actors when they needed to tone down their acting.
caterers - those who bring really good lunches to shoots... TV people eat well.

So I think the spots will turn out pretty well. Afterall, we needed a "hair artist" to create fake back hair on one of the actors... hmmm...

We finished shooting after 16 long hours (6 of which I was freezing). After a 3 and a half hour drive, I finally got home to a sweet, sweet note from Kaya... he has impeccable timing.

2001-02-14T18:11:00.000-08:00

For Kaya:

2001-02-12T17:59:00.000-08:00

I baked cookies last night to send to my Mom. In each cookie there is 1/9 of a stick of butter... that's a lot of freakin' butter! Anyway, I guess they taste pretty good. My Mom is the best baker. Every holiday season she makes a zillion kinds of cookies... all different shapes and flavors... she keeps the butter people in business. The best thing about my Mom's love for baking was my birthday cake every year growing up. She loved to surprise us. She would decorate them differently every year... usually in the shape of something we were into at the time. When we came down to breakfast on our birthday morning, there the cake would be. She's made me a merry-go-round, a doll with a long flowing dress, a Garfield, a classic teddy bear, a Raggedy Anne, a fish bowl... and plenty more I can't remember off the top of my head. She made one of my brothers a 5-car train! She's amazing. I can't hold a candle to her baking, but I'll be sure she knows how much I appreciated those birthday cakes growing up.

2001-02-08T18:18:00.000-08:00

Burr... it has been freezing the last couple days... I needed some sun, so I wandered through my Costa Rica album and found this pic:

This was in Montezuma. We stayed in a "cabana" tucked in the rainforest, in those trees in the photo. We had to walk a mile down the beach to reach it... you couldn't get there by car. Everything was intensified in Costa Rica - all of my senses were tested. The colors were incredible - the vegetation was amazingly vivid and lush. My skin was always damp, the air always felt warm. The waves crashed so loud it sounded like thunder... but not quite as loud as the actual thunder. The storms were insane! The birds and monkeys were constantly jabbering. After the storms the air was fresh and earthy. And there was nothing like the pineapple I ate on our horseback riding excursion. Ahh, now I've warmed up.

2001-02-06T17:57:00.000-08:00

I got an email from a great friend yesterday. We started the same day 5 years ago at CollegeClub. She has long since left the company, but we have grown to be close friends. She went through a lot a couple years back... she had to make a tough decision and at the time it was hard to know if that decision was the correct one. She still struggles, wondering what her life would be like right now had she taken a different path. She is stronger after what she went through and has used that strength to help others in this last year. She is the happiest person alive these days and she is making other people happy. Her decision was correct, of course!

I believe the key to no regrets is knowing that decisions you have made were based on what you knew at the time, and constantly learning from your experiences. You may not know for a long time whether or not you did make a good decision. My friend is still wondering. But I look at her now from where she was before and yeah, she did the right thing.

I can't think of a better person to have the good fortune that she does. I hope one day she finally comes to peace with that decision.

2001-02-05T18:02:00.000-08:00

Today is my 5th anniversary at CollegeClub.com… FIVE years. And what a ride it has been. I had just moved to San Diego, wanting to find a job with a start-up. When I interviewed I knew instantly this was the job I was looking for… working with young people, a start-up on the way to making it big, doing design. I’ve been quoted as saying I wanted to find a place where "I could work long hours". Well, it’s true, I did say that, but I didn’t mean it literally. What I meant was that I was looking for a job I could sink my teeth into, a job I could learn and grow with and feel some ownership for my efforts.

My experience here has been great. We were the epitome of an internet start-up. My friends and family were convinced I was in a cult. I slept under my desk at least once a week. We always had a bottle of something stashed for late night creativity. We had crazy parties in the office. Our family and friends were the people we worked with every day. Everyone came in at 7 am to start the day with a "Human Development" meeting where we’d listen to Tony Robbins and Brian Tracy tapes. Some mornings we’d meditate. I was sold. I was so motivated and into this dream. We all wanted it and could see it and taste it… along with the dinners we had catered every night.

And now, 5 years later, I feel like I’m immerging from a cocoon. My cocoon for a long time was my job. It’s all I lived and breathed for these last 5 years. But I don’t regret it. We were a group of young, hardworking, passionate people all after the same dream. And we came so close to making it. I leave my cocoon without the million+ dollars I came so close to earning, but with some good memories, a lot of experience and a 401K.

I wouldn’t trade in one all-nighter for the experiences and the people and the ups and the downs and the things I’ve learned professionally and personally. But I don’t think I’ll go back either. It’s been a good ride.

2001-02-01T17:41:00.000-08:00

Last night I couldn’t sleep… not for any particular reason. I was just awake for about 2 solid hours. It was actually kind of nice… I didn’t try to fight my insomnia, I just spent the 2 hours lying on my back thinking.

I thought about lots of things…

I thought about Kendall. Why was he on that plane? How can I know someone who was killed in such a freakish accident? I have more risk of dying every time I get in my car than he did getting on that plane. It’s cliché, I know, but life is too short. Live every day like it’s your last. Don’t take things for granted. Was he taken so early in his life so the circle of people that know him and the circles of people who know the 9 other people on that plane could be reminded of those things? Seems like a huge price to pay for a few life’s lessons, important as they are. Thanks for those lessons, Kendall, and I’ll do my best to keep reminding myself of them.

I thought about a painting I want to do.

I thought about the places I’ve lived. Not the locations, but the actual spaces. Starting from the earliest bedroom I can remember – decked out in Raggedy Ann and Andy curtains, gingham bedspread and sheets, and pink shag carpet – through all my college abodes, all the way up to the house I live in now. It’s important to live in a space that feels good. Comforting. I think that pink bedroom is my favorite space so far.

I thought about getting up and eating peach rings, but I didn’t.

I thought about how much I love Kaya.

Then I fell asleep.

2001-01-29T10:21:00.000-08:00

Many people will hear of the plane crash in Colorado, killing 10 people including two Oklahoma State basketball players and six staff members - one of those was a close friend of my brother's. I read the details of the crash and there was a list of the victims. The players and some of the staffers had a short bio next to their names. Next to Kendall's was "Broadcast Engineer". I didn't know Kendall too well, but I have met him several times. What I do know about him is that he was fun-loving and genuine. He was very good at what he did and had a passion for the broadcast business. My sister recently moved to Stillwater to stay with my brother. Kendall and his wife, Patty, have helped her feel at home there. He was young and still had a lot of life to live. He leaves behind a lot of people who love him. I send you love Kendall. You will be missed.

2001-01-24T18:08:00.000-08:00

Last weekend I went hiking with Nickelle, Hilary and Mink at Laguna Mountain.

Mink's a dog, Hilary's dog. He had his own pack to wear.

There was snow left over from the storms that hit the week prior. Living in San Diego doesn't offer much opportunity to tromp through snow... thankfully... but it was good for the 4 hours we were there. The views were spectacular and the air was... refreshing. Yeah, it was a bit chilly, but it felt good to breath that fresh air.

We saw very few people once we started the hike. It was just the girls, Mink and gorgeous landscape... and snow. We talked a lot, but spent some time in silence, too. There were all kinds of plants and trees and shrubs... from pine trees to cactus... and sage everywhere.

And all this against a cloudless blue sky.

Yes, that color exists without the help of DecaCake food coloring. That is straight sky, no photoshop enhancements, no filters. That hike was good for the soul.

****************

I dedicate this blog to Ollie. Thanks for the kick in the pants and the encouragement. If Casey Kasem were here I'd dedicate "Big Love" to you. :-)

2001-01-19T18:13:00.000-08:00

I've been talking with Kaya about the artist Christo the last couple days and knowing very little about him, thought I'd see what he's all about. It's actually a husband-wife team. Christo and his wife Jean-Claude create temporary, large-scale environmental art. Like the Surrounded Islands , Biscayne Bay, Miami, Florida (1980-83) and "Umbrellas" created in Japan and Southern California (1984-91). It seems they use the landscape like an unfinished painting and fill it in with objects they feel finish the scene.

I think their work is breathtaking. After some time, all of their works are removed from the environment without a trace and recycled.

2001-01-18T17:59:00.000-08:00

I am obsessed with this building...

Maybe obsessed is a bit strong. I look at it everyday, though, out the window of my office, well, my cubicle next to a window. I love the blue sky reflected in the windows combined with the reflection of the tan building, my building. It's that blue and tan combo that gets me. I think it's beautiful. And I came to discover today that I'm not the only one who admires this high-rise... Hilary is also taken by it. It's funny the things I pay attention to. I'm consciously trying to be more observant of my surroundings. I get lost in my head sometimes and the world goes by. Then, I get fixed on something like this building. Guess I have selective vision.

2001-01-15T11:16:00.000-08:00

I realized yesterday that I laugh a lot these days. What a great thing to be able to laugh. Hearty laughs, the kind that hurt your gut. A great gift to give someone. And being able to laugh at yourself... it's disarming and lets people in.

2001-01-12T17:46:00.000-08:00

I'm still running on my birthday high... or maybe it's all the sugar: 2 cakes and pounds of candy after a really fun dinner with Kaya last night.

I'm happy. After the sugar wears off, I'll still be happy.

2001-01-11T17:26:00.000-08:00

Today is my 30th birthday. Everyone asks me "how does it feel?" I wasn’t sure how to answer that until about 11 pm last night. At first I thought things like "should I feel old?" How does old feel? Aching bones, gray hair, fatigue? I don’t really feel any of those things. Should I have a mortgage? A will? Children? I don’t have any of those things. But, yep, I am 30. So does that mean I’m behind?

Last night I got an acupuncture treatment, compliments of the amazing man in my life, Kaya . I thought it would be an appropriate time to have the treatment… just before I reached the crest of the hill. It was just what I needed. It was energizing, interesting, refreshing and gave me some time to think about this 30 thing. Chad and Hind, the couple who treated me, explained that practicing acupuncture is very much a journey. With every patient, you become more in tune with energy and in turn, better at diagnosing and healing.

So that got me thinking about my journey. The absence of a mortgage, a will and children do not make my life incomplete or put me behind. I have been blessed with a great family, wonderful friends and amazing experiences. I don’t regret anything. My decisions have lead me here.

And here I am on my 30th birthday that started with a touching note from Kaya , then to balloons, neon "30" signs, and a red "carpet" leading to my desk, to lunch with the best girlfriends around, to emails from people I love and respect, to a surprise cake and "Happy Birthday" singing from my energetic, smart and fun co-workers and friends. What more could I ask for? My only hope is that I can continue to spread all the love and energy that was given to me today. To become more in tune and better at being a loving, caring, thoughtful human being.